I wondered why I had suddenly gotten the urge to rush outside and stuff butternut squash in my ears and up my nose. I wondered why I had an hour before run outside and stuffed peas in my pants. I wondered where the can was. I had just gone to the bathroom and discovered peas in my underwear. I knew then that my craving had taken over.
I am a vegetable overeater! I sighed. I went back to my room and flicked on the light. I gasped!
The room was a disaster area! Broccoli was on my pillow. A bag of frozen lima beans was strewn on my lampshade. Carrots spelled “VEGGIEZ” on my keyboard. Corn was smeared on my window. I remembered opening a bottle of ranch dressing and glugging it down. Then, I painted my name on the walls with tomatoes.
I slapped my forehead. I had thrown myself a veggie party! I slumped into a chair. CRUNCH!! I got up. I just sat on a clump of zucchini.
It was time for an appointment with Dr. Turnipheart. The wimp.
“You are a sick, sick boy, Endive,” Dr. Turnipheart chortled. She tsk-tsked.
“A CURE, Doctor!” I pleaded. I’d do anything to help my ‘disease.’
She stopped whistling. She looked at me. She whispered, “Junk food.” I was sure I heard wrong, but old Turnipheart was nodding.
“The only cure, Endive, is to eat Yodels, lollipops, Doritos, Twinkies, Ring-Dings, and Ruffles. You need to get that veggie juice out of your blood, because you are too healthy. You have eaten too many vegetables. You have never even tasted sugar in your life!”
She looked sympathetic. “Sugar is splendid, Endie. Just one morsel can change your perspective on EVERYTHING!” I wasn’t so sure. Sugar did not look too promising. Give me a radish any day.
I went to the store and bought a box of powdered sugar doughnuts. Then I drove home and gingerly removed one. I took a bite. Ick! Soft white sprinkles of sugar were gently layered over a round, puffy cake. I found it disgusting! I closed my eyes and took another bite.
“EWWWWWWW!” I shrieked.
I dropped the horrible treat and jumped onto a chair. The doughnut lay on the ground, looking like a mutated albino cockroach, balled up. It was gross.
“Sugar is splendid,” I remembered Dr. Turnipheart’s words. I shuddered. Ugh!
That night, I curled up on the floor and twitched all night. Dr. Turnipheart explained my body was used to veggies and not sweets. I was allergic to junk food. Thank heavens. Now, I could eat vegetables to my heart’s content and never worry about having to eat sugar, since I couldn’t.
I drove straight to my VA meeting. There, in the room, were five others.
To be continued…