“Writing to some people is a joke. To me, it is my life. I have never
been in a place where I have felt so welcome, because of my talent.”
Ellen Garfoot

“I plan to keep on writing, because now, the words just flow in my
head. Before this camp, that did not happen. I think this experience
made me a better writer.” Mandie Livermore

“I enjoyed all the speakers, but I enjoyed most the two boys who played
a guitar and the piano. Their songs sounded like good poems put to
music.” Catie Doran

“This camp was the best experience I have had in a long time, because
not only did I enjoy it, but I could share my writing gift with others.”
Andrea Dai

“I was surprised how many jobs are connected to good writing techniques.”
Taylor Sutherland

“I enjoyed how the teachers at camp were always so energetic and
funny. I admire their passion for writing.” Falesha Jacobs

“Thank you so much for letting me participate in this inspiring camp.
I know that I will continue writing throughout the summer.” Lauren
Bexten

“I have come to writing camp for several years, now, and I want to
come back next time and learn even more about writing well. I am a
writer because writing is my born talent. I’ve been writing ever since
kindergarten. Second grade was when my writing skills skyrocketed. In
that class, I wrote at least 20 short stories. Writing is my life.” Gabby
Albeck

“I want to come back to writing camp again. Maybe, you should make
each camp last for two weeks each year, instead of just one. I am sad
that I never heard of Fine Lines and this camp before now. I am going
to try to write as much as I can for the rest of the summer.” Devin
Grier

“I never would have guessed how much writing I could put into my
notebook in five days of writing camp, and I never would have guessed
how much my writing hand hurts now.” Claire Lavender

“This week was so much fun. I really feel like I have learned a lot while
I was here. I have always loved writing. This writing camp showed me
how much I really love poetry.” Emilee Sloan

“Thank you so much for having this camp every summer. This was
my fourth year in a row, and this year I see how much my writing has
really grown. This year was the best year of the four. To be in a room
with a bunch of writers is a powerful thing. A sense of power is noticeable
when there are so many brilliant minds in one room. I always learn
so much here. Thank you. I think I learned over 100 new vocabulary
words this week.” Emma Vinchur

“I wish the camp could have been longer, but I want to thank you for
inspiring so many young people to write and value good communication.
This is a wonderful talent to have. I think it helps people learn, no
matter how old they are.” Carrie Wogeman

“I am so grateful for the opportunity to be a part of this writing workshop.
Each time I attend, I discover something new. The first year of
camp, I began my script of Nutcracker Delights, which is now in its
third year of production. The second year gave way to some great ideas,
and I was prolific. This year was the biggest surprise. I created a children’s
picture book, and I have finished chapter 6. I don’t know how
long it will be. Thank you for letting me bring my dancers and perform
for your campers on the Beveridge stage. I look forward to next year’s
camp and the next and the next.” Julian Adair

“The talent and passion of the Fine Lines teachers are contagious. I am
thrilled to be infected by this group. I did not know what I could do
here when we started this week. I only knew this was a stop I needed
to make. I’m so glad I came. My growth is a newly planted seed, just
beginning to sprout. I’m so very excited.” Gretchen White

“I really appreciate all the instructors’ efforts at this writing camp. The
fact that so many young minds are here to be shaped by these passionate
instructors is truly amazing. We all have stories to tell, worlds to explore,
and lives to lead. Writing is so important to the world, and I am
glad you and the teachers are doing your part to encourage good writing
in both young and old alike.” Adam Young

“I have been coming to your camp for four years now, and it just keeps
growing and growing. When I first came here, I was in sixth grade. I
started my stories simply, like ‘One day, I was sitting on . . . .’ Now, I
write like this, ‘As my eyes awoke to the sounds of nature, the sun’s
rays smacked me in the face.’ I learned so much each year at writing
camp, so I will return next year, too. I found I love to write, and coming
to these camps helped me find that key.” Anne D’Souza

“I am a writer because I love words and putting them together to make
something bigger. Writing makes books, which are very important to
people everywhere. I like making a difference, and writing gets my
voice out into the world.” Katie Hollenbeck

“Growing up in a poor barrio, I saw so many things: violence, drugs,
abuse, robbery, and I also saw some beautiful things: the way people
talked with each other, cared about each other, and the stories they told.
I have so many plots bottled up inside me that I want to tell.” Marco
Bravo

“This week at camp has inspired me to open our home in an attempt to
start our own writers’ group. My wife and I want to encourage others to
‘write on.’ Thank you for your support, resources, intellect, and willingness
to listen and divulge.” Casey Horpedahl

“Fine Lines writing camp has opened me up to new opportunities like
learning about script writing and non-fiction. Fine Lines has also made
me see that other people my age have the same drive and passion for
writing as I do. Writing is integral to life.” Molly Misek

“I feel stuck until I get to writing camp, then a bridge is opened, and I
begin to see what it is about writing, sharing, and creating that hides in
my soul on every other average day. There is a great void that is filled
when I come and make time for Fine Lines and writing. It is my passion.”
Mindy Venditte

“I want to thank you so much for making this camp fun. I can’t imagine
how much time and effort it took to set it up. This experience totally
changed my writing habits. Now, I can write without having to think so
hard.” Amalia Hansen

By Joell White

Would the real me please stand up? That is a question I have asked myself for a while but to no avail. However, I have seen a change in myself over recent months and I am excited, if not a bit uneasy about my transformation. When I was younger, I was shy and reticent about committing to anything for fear of not coming out on top. I have survived for years on an emotional roller coaster, happiest when I am at the top of the large inclines and extremely depressed when the bottom falls out. Now, I am taking more risks and becoming more genuine. This has been a semester of discovery and victory, and through it all, the real me is emerging.

What do I mean by the real me? I mean the insecure, shy, overly dramatic, sensitive, loving and quirky person that I have hidden and unable to love for twenty-eight years. That does not mean she did not come out once in a while but when I felt safe on the outside. I began concealing my real self behind the masks of false happiness, serenity and courage at an early age. According to the author of The Trauma of Transparency:

. . . we have put on our armor, depicting the propensity to hide and pretend. The real person, and all that is true of that person—both the good truth and the bad truth—tends to be hidden behind a superficial and, at times, even artificial disguise. The disguise hides what really is inside. The real me. (Howard 27)

In other words, the masks I put in my personal arsenal for survival were keeping me from exposing my real feelings and my true self; that is wrong.

My need to keep the actual me within the confines of my shell was based from past experiences that I was too young and unsure of myself to battle outright. I was a fat kid with buckteeth who had to wear braces in third grade. I was not strong enough emotionally to shrug off my peers who blatantly teased me. In later years, their tactics changed where the cruel jokes were done behind my back. Hurt and anger crushed my spirit and I had to learn to handle myself behind the cover of calm superiority. If kids made fun of my weight, I would come back with dry sarcasm that would cut to the quick. This facade gained me allies of the other kids who were easy targets for people with superiority complexes.

As my group of friends grew, so did my desire to be accepted. I thought the only way I could keep the adulation and the social circle was to continue my pretense of bravado and nonchalance. This proved to be harder than I thought because I worried that if my friends found out that I was not brave and indifferent they would leave me. I spent sleepless nights thinking about that possibility and decided it was best to keep up my pretenses than to admit my weaknesses.

Fear and trepidation ruled my life after high school. As I started college, I was unable to overcome my constructed and untruthful identity. I fell into my old patterns and added new masks to my growing trunk. In my sophomore year, I developed an acquaintance with a woman named Marilyn. I admired Marilyn’s strong religious beliefs and serene spirit. All Marilyn ever wanted from me was truth and honesty. She was my friend already, but I wanted more. I wanted to be the only friend that she would want to be with. The obsession over my friendship with her led me to emulate her, and the more I copied Marilyn, the more the real me was buried further into the depths of my soul. I wasted so much time looking for the love that was already there that I lost any hope for a lasting friendship.

Living my life as an actor left me feeling ashamed. I was embarrassed to admit to anyone that the person they saw everyday was not the real me. I felt disgust towards myself because my shame led me to believe that I did not measure up and maybe would never measure up to the person I was meant to be (Smedes 5). The load of guilt weighed me down until I, at the bottom of my self-pity, had a moment of clarity.

Did I really know who I was and what I stood for? I had to honestly answer “no” to that question, but that was just the beginning. Did I want to uncover the truth about myself? I struggled and pondered this question for weeks. On one hand, I did not want to find out about myself in case I would not like what I unearthed, but on the other hand, I was not happy staying where I was. The hard won conclusion I finally came to was that I did not want to live my life without my real identity, therefore I began to think of scenarios to help the discovery process along. At last, something easy! What better way to find myself than to go back to college?

After getting all the preliminaries done, fear gripped my heart. “What did I just do?” “Am I ready to do this?” These questions were racing in my mind the day school started this term. I was terrified and I wanted to run away. The thought of being in a new situation, without the protection and comfort of my disguises were like losing my security blanket, but I was determined to find the treasure of me at the end of my journey.

To my surprise each of my classes has contributed to my journey of self-discovery. In one class, I am encouraged to take risks and express what was on my mind without the fear of ridicule and judgment. That course has been a source of strength for me to keep pushing my own perceived limitations. In my other class, I am learning that I have the determination and critical thinking skills it takes to be successful in whatever my future holds. These insights about myself have given me the grace to forgive my past plus the hope to be complete, something that the masks could never give me. I am finally building a solid foundation to grow on.

However, the artistry of “becoming” has a price. I am no longer okay with people subtly (or not so subtly) putting me down to make them feel better about themselves. Julia Cameron wrote:

Friends may find your recovery disturbing. Be alert to subtle sabotage from friends. You cannot afford their well-meaning doubts. Be particularly alert to any suggestion that you have become selfish or different. These are red alert words for us. They are attempts to leverage us back into our old ways for the sake of someone else’s comfort, not our own. (Cameron 43)

My fervent need to find myself, along with my new desire for equality in relationships, has caused some friendships to be put to the test. In other words, I am weeding my garden of friendship. The plants that stand the test of time will become stronger than the rest of the plants that must be pulled out in order to allow the stronger plants to bear fruit.

Shaking off the people who do not edify me and my own indignity has opened up a new world. I am becoming bolder in my relationships with others to reveal the genuine me. When I am feeling awkward and gangling, I acknowledge those feelings, learn from the situation and move forward to try it again. This lifestyle change has enabled me to see the world outside and what I am able to do to make a difference in it. Who cares if I am sensitive? Who cares if someone does not like my sense of humor or how I think? These characteristics are a part of me and I embrace them because I refuse to be dispirited or weakened again.

Ernest Hemingway once said, “The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong at the broken places” (qtd. In Nelson 9). Although I am not crazy about being broken, it is a great comfort to know that I am stronger today and will be even stronger a year from now. I must remain nonetheless, on the path that I have embarked upon and stay true to the real me emerging from the shell inside. As Glenda, the good witch from The Wizard of Oz once told Dorothy, “You put one foot in front of the other and follow the yellow brick road “ (Baum) and that is what I intend to do.

Bibliography

Cameron, Julia. The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. New York : Penguin Putnam, Inc, 1992.

Howard, J. Grant. The Trauma of Transparency. Portland : Multnomah Press, 1979.

Kent, Carol. Tame Your Fears & Transform Them Into Faith, Confidence & Action. Colorado Springs : NavPress Publishing Group, 1993.

Nelson, Eugene . Broken in the Right Place : How God Tames the Soul. Nashville : Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1994.

Smedes, Lewis B. Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve. San Francisco : HarperCollins Publishers, 1993.

The Wizard of Oz. Writ. Frank Baum. Music Harold Arlen. With Judy Garland, Frank Morgan, Ray Bolger, and Bert Lahr. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1939.